COZ I WANT IT ALL OUT!!!

K. I'm ready but...
I don't know how to start this.


DEAR GOD AND MOM, 
(i know you understand every language above this land so please bear with this taglish letter coz i don't know how to express myself hehe)


SO I THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE STRONG FOR A YEAR NOW.


Yes, a year, it has been a year since my mom passed away (1 year and 11 days to be exact). She was diagnosed with colon cancer and liver failure. We're done eating dinner at Sbarro in Mega when Ninong(brother of my mom) told me and my sister about this, we were just like... speechless, moments of silence, my body full of doubt but only one question: WHY HER!? Then tears coming from our eyes began to fall. I can feel customers and staff started staring because 2 ladies started crying. Then ninong continued to explain mom's situation. I remember listening to him but i think I didn't absorb the news well. I can understand what he is saying but I can't suck it up. Its just too big. TOO BIG TO FIT INSIDE MY LITTLE BRAIN. My thoughts were: so what now? What am I gonna do? What will be the next move? Even at our ride home, i didn't say a word. Mom was watching when I saw her at our room. I immediately put a smile on my face and told her that i got an uno for my plate because it was the highest kite that flew. She smiled back at me and said "wow, galing galing naman" na parang walang sakit na nararamdaman. I can never forget the day that changed my life(020310) And i know from that day You came closer to hold me tight.


Me and my family misses her so much in every way. In this situation, I realized how why you made mothers as Ilaw ng Tahanan. Malaking kawalan samin si momie. Hindi ko alam pero binabalanse niya ang buhay ko ngayon ko lang narealize. Pinapagaan niya ang bawat problemang pinagdadaanan namin. Basta ang galing nya. Wala ako masabi sa galing nya saludo ako. Makikipagtalo ako sa taong aaway at magsasabing wala syang kwentang ina. Itataga ko din sa bato na paglaki ko gusto kong maging katulad nya. And i know she is with You. Happy. :)


ETO SOBRANG GUSTO KONG ISIGAW. ISISIGAW KO LANG LORD AH. SOBRANG MISS NA KITA MOMIE!!!!!! WALANG KATAPUSAN UNG PANGUNGULILANG NARARAMDAMAN KO DAHIL DI KA NA NAMIN KASAMA. TIGNAN MO NAKAGAWA NA AKO NG BLOG. MOMIE!! MOMIE!! MOMIE!! SOBRANG MISS KO NG TAWAGIN KA. UNG MGA IBAT IBANG TAWAG NAMIN SAYO NI ATE. MINSAN NAY, MOTHER, INANG REYNA. MISS NA MISS KO NA GUSTO KONG ISIGAW TALAGA ULIT TAPOS GUSTO KO UNG SASAGOT KA. :((( GUSTO KONG MAGSUMBONG SAYO KASI PUMAPAYAT NA AKO. GUSTO KO ULIT KUMAIN NG LUTO MO. MGA SPECIALTISE MO, IMBENTONG LUTO NA GUSTONG GUSTO KO. BAKIT HINDI KA NAGIWAN NG LIBRO PARA DON? DI NAMIN MAGAYA NI ATE. SA TWING MAGSISIMBA KAMI NI ATE NAMIMISS KITA. IKAW LAGI UNG PUMIPILIT SAMIN NA BUMANGON NG MAAGA PARA MAKAABOT NG MAAGANG MASS TAPOS KAMI NI ATE MAIINIS PA. GUSTO KO ULIT MAG OUTING KASAMA KA KASAMA UNG MGA KAOFFICEMATES MO KASAMA UNG MGA KA RIVERS MO. WALA NG BUMIBITBIT SAKIN SA MGA OUTING SOBRANG MISS KITA!!! MAS LALO KITANG MISS PAG KASAMA NG MGA KAIBIGAN KO UNG MGA NANAY NILA TAPOS NAGLOLOKOHAN. NA SILA KASAMA PA NILA MGA NANAY NILA. AKO HINDI NA. NAGIGING WEAK AKO. AT ALAM KONG HINDI MO GUSTO TO. PERO MISS NA TALAGA KITA. UNG MGA SERMON MO KUNG MABABALIK KO LANG. PATI MAKASAMA KA SA GROCERY. MINSAN MAIIYAK NALANG AKO BIGLA BUTI NALANG NALULUNOK KO AGAD. BASTA SA LAHAT NG PARAAN NAMIMISS KITA. MADAMING MADAMI PA LAHAT LAHAT NA GUSTO KONG SABIHIN PERO HINDI SAPAT UNG ISANG ARAW AT ISANG BLOG LANG. 


I wanna hug you so tight and kiss you again. Every morning and every time you go home from your work. I wanna tell stories to you. Hello momie, nagmature na ko di na ko masyadong naughty. But i know God and you will always be with me inside my heart, around me, or through somebody. You still protect me and guide me kahit na minsan palpak pa din ako namamali ung landas ko. 


Nagkwentuhan kami nung isa kong friend nung isang gabi, sabi niya sakin napanaginipan ka daw niya nung time na hindi sya sure kung pupunta sya sa dance concert ng 1shade. Kung alam mo lang kung gano sumaya yung puso ko nun. Kung gano ko nafeel yung presence mo nun. Kaya pala sobrang saya ko that day. Nagpadala ka pa ng alagad para lang manuod sakin. THANK YOUUUU!!!! :D Thank you Patricia Naling for sharing your dream to me. It means a lot!! I swear!!


Sige gang dito nalang muna. Gutom na ko e nagpapataba ako. Kain na muna ako. Goodnight God and Momie. I'll talk to you another time! :)


Love, Deb :>

P.S.
i got the strength to say this maybe because i wanna let it out of my heart and mind because every fckin time that i'm alone, that's when my mind starts remembering those few months, remaining weeks, final days, last moments... I want it to end. I'll try this way. maybe it will work Maybe i'll miss you less because now i learned how i can talk to you :>
P.P.S. 
In this letter sometimes i'm talking to God and sometimes i'm talking to her hehe :p and that's so random. Sarreh.